“OF ALL THE GIRLS TOSSING ROCKS AT YOUR WINDOW,/I’LL BE THE ONE WAITING THERE EVEN WHEN IT’S COLD” — “HEY STEPHEN,” TAYLOR SWIFT

How to be Smarter: There are two times a boy can bring you flowers: for no reason at all, and to say he is sorry. But if he brings flowers for no reason at all, he will rarely have to say he is sorry. There are two times you can be a great student: all semester long, or after you mess up a big test. But if you are a great student all semester, you will not mess up the test to begin with. There are two times you can be the best employee: all day long, or after your boss stops by your desk to inform you of something you messed up. But if you are a great employee all day long, he will stop by to pop his head in and say hello, not to yell at you. How to be Prettier: No one needs a magnifying mirror in their bathroom. No one. You’re pretty enough from afar sweet girl, and if someone is close enough to see your pores, they already love you for your personality.

How to be (less) Awkward: If you are lucky enough to live or work in a place that tourists want to photograph and videotape, then you must be grateful enough to not complain about it.

Originally posted November 2009.