"All my friends are bad kids" -- "Bad Kids," Black Lips

How to be Smarter: Nobody that loves you for keeps will ever give you an ultimatum. If the choice is ever "xyz or me," choose the xyz. People that want to stay in your life will never give you a choice to let them leave. How to be Prettier: Whitening toothpaste, whitening floss. At least twice a day. I think three times is better though. 

How to be (less) Awkward: Everybody hates telemarketers, including telemarketers. You can ask nicely to be taken off their list, or you can scream it. Either way will get you the same result, and the screaming way only hurries along the process of accruing bad karma.